Order Can Be Inhibiting
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Order can be inhibiting
There is a freedom in changing the way things are.
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Edward Steven Perry
Photographer who loves sharing everything he knows about anything
Tag: self
November 6, 2012
October 6, 2012
Vanish
Feeling like I am disappearing into myself at times. So, I make photos that reflect this and then I feel better.
People ask me what I am doing. I say shooting my journal.
October 2, 2012
Death by Art
. . .
I empty myself through creation.
I generate more of myself to survive my loss.
I create more or else I completely disappear.
. . .
June 30, 2012
Not at the Expense of the Moment…
When something really nice happens in my life I immediately start preparing for how to continue being happy should it go away. It’s a cruel thing to do to myself, despite the self-preservation. I hardly get to enjoy the moment and the gift of spontaneity.
On the other side of things… When something really nice happens I tend to think about it too much. I drown myself in thoughts and disappear from the the world of the living and exist in my fast paced imagination.
The third thing I do when something nice happens is that I day dream about it until it turns on itself and I end up imagining all the ways it could end. None of the scenarios are what I would want for myself.
I think my imagination always searches for an end to a story. I’m a story teller and it’s real hard for me not to anticipate how a story will turn out. Personal experience does not provide too many happy endings, but that’s just it, real life never ends at the close of a book or at the credits. In movies and books we never see how the lives of characters unfold after the story. I leave those stories okay with assumptions and never lose sleep wondering about them. But of course it’s not my life so it’s not something I’d care to figure out for them.
Okay random example:
I’m on a plane and I imagine all the ways I could die: Crash on takeoff, fuselage failure and I get sucked out, die in the engine, die after free fall, crash due to pilot error in a storm, die trying to stop terrorists, survive the crash but burn to death in the wreckage, crushed slowly by debris, slowly freeze in the Atlantic. Once I get that out of the way, I imagine all the ways I could survive: surviving on a snowy mountain top like in “Alive”, living in a forest or jungle after escaping the exploding wreckage, floating in the ocean with other passengers, figuring out how to live through the heat of the Sahara Desert, escaping the aircraft after a minor crash landing at the airport. Then I patiently calm and convince myself that death isn’t all that bad, as long as it’s quick, most likely an air crash would be. But I don’t want to be surprised with fear and dread should we nose dive and flip upside-down to our deaths. I want to be okay with it. I want to clear my head of regret and not pray to God for another chance. If this is it then I’m fine. I lived an awesome life and it’s okay that this is all I get.
How morbid is that?! I do it so I won’t have to suffer during the fall. Yet, I ruin most of my flight worrying. I try to convince myself that when I get on a plane, I am as good as dead and to be okay with it from the beginning. Personally, I don’t think this is the right way to go about it. I’d rather not assume life or death as a possibility. I’d rather continue as I do walking down the street.
In the same way I’d like to reduce the amount of “Air Crash Scenarios” in my day to day life. Though, I feel like it’s a responsible thing to anticipate possibilities, I remind of myself when Qui Gon Gin advised Obi Wan Kenobi to yes, be mindful of the future but “Not at the expense of the moment.”
Currently, I’m doing a good job at that.
February 13, 2012
Facing Judgements I Don’t Want to Hear
When I know what someone is going to say and I know I am not going to like it, I avoid them as much as possible. Recently, I’ve found it’s because I know they have a point and I don’t know a better way to change or explain what I’ve done. I just wanted them to see I tried my hardest and for them to admire even my half-assed attempts at creation. But really, if I’m doing something and it isn’t coming across the way I hoped, there is no easy way to accept the fact that I failed.
There are people whos’ opinions I cannot wait to hear about my work. Eagerly, I reach out for their input, I take it in like fairy dust and I float without feeling judged or misunderstood. With them I feel free and happy to communicate my ideas and together we collaborate improving my vision. But there are also those who I can not stand hearing from. They take a shallow step into my world and decide too quickly that it’s several things that they do not like. I try to avoid getting their input, but from time to time I’ll ask the most critical of them to take a look. The thing is, I think the same as they do and that part of me wants to see what it would look like if I failed. There is a person who makes himself known inside my head (particularly in the morning) and hates everything I think is great.
Example: After I’ve stayed up all night on a project, he wakes up, takes a look at it and as though all context and aesthetic were transparent he sees through to my canvas, seeing nothing there.
“Crap.”, he declares. I respond, “What? It’s great. Look how they seem to be judged by inanimate objects but the irony is…” He cuts me off, “Looks like you’re being obvious and that’s coming through more than you know. Others will think so, I wouldn’t post it.”
Feeling content with his appraisal, he leaves me defeated and wondering why I even bother making anything ever. But wait… being obvious isn’t a bad thing. In fact, I intended on being obvious! That’s not something I was afraid of, and yes I do hope people see it that way. If I let him speak for me I often forget that the negatives he sees are often the intentions I had in the first place. It’s funny how quickly I can get defensive about something that I hadn’t realized was a strength all along.
The other side of it is positive, too. If he attacks the core of my work and I don’t have a solid reason to uphold it then my idea crumbles. Sounds bad but wait there’s more.
When I get negative criticism about my work I feel like, “Well, they just don’t know what I’m trying to do.” Instead of trying to explain myself, I avoid talking about it all together. Most often I don’t actually know enough to explain what I did and when it’s hard to communicate my ideas I just say, “Well, it’s just hard to explain what’s in my mind.” I expect my critics just to respect my opinion and leave it alone, but the real smart ones then ask, “Well, then why did you ask me to look at it?”
The real answer is, again, I just wanted the approval. But I’m finding that those who question my work offer something more valuable – purpose. It may come across with lots of negative energy but if I picture someone else saying it (Julie Andrews) I can see the issues a lot easier.
The fact is, sometimes I fail. Instead of weakening an idea by settling with a sub-par image, I can openly say, “Yeah, I didn’t get the shot.” This can ultimately save the purpose the shoot. Being honest with myself may mean re-doing something that took a long time or accepting that I had missed a unique opportunity. It’s hard to see failures as lessons for the next time, especially when I need money for rent. But the quicker I can define what I am doing, the faster I can re-focus my efforts into something that works. Even if I can’t, at least I gave myself the opportunity to improve.
This turned into kind of a ramble but remember:
1) Don’t be defensive about strengths.
2) Be honest with what you intend on accomplishing.
Edward Steven Perry 